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  • Mood: Agony
  • Listening to: my heart...
  • Reading: Her last messages....
  • Watching: my life disappear...

There was once a dream of Us. It was a good dream.

While it lasted..

Just Us Two - 08/07/07 to 02/21/12 :iconcokedupcanary::iconpalehok:

Then officially dumped through the 27th-29th.

You are the first person I ever allowed in the deepest, darkest crevices of my heart. You're the first and ONLY one that I even considered, because not only was it because of love, but because I had never even THOUGHT of sharing my entire childhood, my existence, every part of my being, with someone.. but You're the first and ONLY that I wanted to experience everything that I had ever witnessed, experienced, on my own. I'm in the same goddamn house I've been in since I could speak, and I wanted to show You all of this. What I did in every corner, what every room probably has to say about me.

"If these walls could speak" goes the saying. I know I'm a dreamer, and actions speak louder than words. But I never gave up on Our mission, I never gave up on Our quest. I would wonder every god forsaken day why I wasn't the same person I was in the beginning. I honestly believe I was the same, just that.. initiative, that drive, the energy I had was gone. Everytime I was separated from You killed me more and more. Everytime I saw You be driven away in that Blazer, was just another stab to my chest. I wondered constantly when I'd see You, if You still felt the same, would You still feel the same.

I was the foundation that We built Our house on, in the beginning. I slowly lost that strength and then You became the foundation. You kept Us BOTH up, and for the longest. You didn't have to and You shouldn't have had to hold that heavy responsibility. It was my job. I knew how strong I COULD be, but I let myself be consumed by basically any little minute thing that could possibly affect my endeavors, or even make me contemplate the idea of Us failing.

I never meant to allow myself to be such a goddamn wuss. Never even thought I would be such a big one. You have no idea the affect You had on me.. if it was You in control, with the power, like me.. I would have waited forever.. Thats not a guilt trip, I'm being truthful because hey, look at me.. I'm still here aren't I? Even after all this.... ALLL THIS...

I cannot fathom a future without You.. and I refuse to accept that life is a bitch sometimes and that I should just roll with the punches. Call me stubborn, call me a fucking waste. I still don't care. I'm going to wait, and I'm going to love You.

C'est la vie.

/EDIT, Wanna know what's funny Duckee..? If You get over me.. and end up happy, or happier.. then k..



You stare at me like I'm a vitamin
On the surface You hate,
but You know You need me.
I'll come dressed as any pill You deem fit.
Whatever helps You swallow truth
all the more easily.
If I had a dime for every time You walked away,
I could afford to not give a shit
and buy a drink and drown the day
But Your pockets, they are empty,
yeh, and mine are times two
So why not make an about-face,
and accept the love I send to You?

You're never gonna be content if You don't try,
try to see outside Your line.
There You go, You did it again!
You act as if there's blinders on Your eyes.
Should I apologize if what I say burns Your ears and stains
Your eyes?!
Oh, did I crack Your shell?
When it falls away, You'll see We exist as well!
Like a bottle with the cork stuck,
Your true ingredients trapped inside.
Through the cloudy glass we catch a glimpse of You,
I guess the hard shell represents Your pride.
Oh, if only it could be different
we could uncover the You, You deny.
Between Two, a small discrepancy,
one complicates and one simplifies.

So if I had a dime for every time You walked away,
You could bet Your bottom dollar that
I'd be filthy rich by noon today

03/04/12-edit- im only putting this here incase You notice it.. my parents just got back from a relatives party, the father of one of my cousins, him though not being the related one, just only by the marriage.. but he turned 60, not that it matters.. but my parents just got home and my dad handed me a treat i guess that everyone received at the get together.. a pack of "mymms", the kind that are personalized..

i didnt notice at first, just the colors and just what they looked like, and that bothered me enough, but somehow i turned back around and looked to see if they were what i thought they are.. mymms.. and a couple years ago, when i first saw that "mymms" commercial, i had to get You some.. just a bunch that said "i love You", or something personal like all the sayings and words We had.. but i never did because i didn't have a credit card.. i don't remember now for sure, but i knew i had a good reason why i didnt.. wasn't because i forgot.. it had to be because i was broke.. i couldn't even order them.. and its not like if i did get them, that We'd eat them together, because i knew We probably couldnt.. We would've probably kept them as a memoir, some sentimental souvenir that We'd keep on some mantle piece.. in a glass cup, or in the original packaging.. with all Our words, saying, "love you"s on them still..

it just hurts so much that im seeing so many signs after all this has happened, seeing things, being told things about people that didn't even want me around You that now suddenly ask where i am, because they liked me..

nobody on here truly understands how We were together.. how deliriously happy You were.. how You'd smile at me.. how We'd giggle for nothing just because staring at each other was so much fun... how just the word "hi.." from You would crush me down to nothing then suddenly spring me back up like i was reborn... im sighing as i type this because thinking about it gives me strength again..

i hope to God, even though We don't believe in Him, that You come around.. i want to say "love is love", but no.. everyone has their own type, kind of "love".. and Ours will never be repeated unless We're together.. Ours will never be replicated..

the words.. the looks.. the sayings.. the jokes.. We handed each other Our lives on silver platters.. then We didn't even settle for that, We settled for melting them both together.. to have one life..

Two minds.. but one heart...

</3.............................................................Feb 27th - 29th 2012.............

August 7th, 2007

5 years.......

ill sit here and wait for You.....a promise is a promise..........iloveYou.....

Dec 5 2010
im sorry i ruined Your life..i know im not healthy for You, things have changed, tones, expectations.. my hopes were so high for everything before... i ruined all of that, im not even the same person anymore.. i feel like im just a chore anymore, a reason for You to roll Your eyes, thinking "here we go again", or "great, hes back"..

i was convinced i was the best thing for You, and after i left and flew back down, everything that could go wrong, went wrong.. i dont even think the same anymore.. i used to be positive.. now everything i do or see has an inevitable downfall to it.. like something is broken before i even get a chance to fix it, or do it..

i know You're tired of me being that way, the sun might be shining here where i am, but i never feel it.. i remember feeling it on the trail, i felt it when we saw that quarter stuck to the cement on that bench near where the foliage opened up to let Us see the river clearly.. We sat on it, i held You, the bench was really warm from the sun shining on it..



Went for a walk.. stopped by the lake and just.. walked near this portion that I hadnt been by in a while, even though its right there.. just.. a different view, how the sun reflected on the water.. diamonds.. blue sky, ducks, birds.. green grass.. then the big tree behind me, I noticed carvings that must be even older than me.. hearts with names, names with other names.. probably first loves, first kisses, who knows.. made me think of this song because I didn't feel right being in that spot by myself, seeing how pretty and calm everything was.. without You, so I left and walked back

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy, happy

I wish You were here

I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembles a back lit canopy
With holes punched in it
I'm counting UFOs
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy, happy

I wish You were here

The world's a rollercoaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air
I alone love You
I alone tempt You
I alone love You
fear is not the end of this!

From the moment we are born, we begin to die.


Forever && Always~
United States

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